A Year in Green and Blue

January

My class was learning about the holocaust and my students made me feel like they could not learn without me. One of them made the comment: “It would be like us (the students) trying to teach ourselves without you. That would be really hard and not fun!” I even more enjoyed the fact that they all thought that I was fun and that I wasn't boring.

Had a lot of homesickness from having to leave Jarrett and my family AGAIN after Christmas break in the states.  I felt like this break from my future husband had gone on too long and I was quite ready to be finished.

February

We had teacher appreciation week and my students made a great little posters for me and also Student Council put on an event called “Wine and Dine”. Most of the teachers came and ate and drank wine. It was a very nice evening.

I had a lot of feelings like I didn’t belong; not only did I not belong, but I had a hard time figuring out how to belong. I missed my college friends especially Meg, Margaret, and Beth. I felt like I could not be a part of their lives or anyone outside of Haiti.

March

Jarrett and I celebrated out 3 year dating anniversary on March 6^th. We were apart, but we did get to talk for 5 minutes on the phone. It was the best five minutes I could ask for.

Felt a bit trapped on campus with no car and nowhere to go.

April

I had been on this self discovery kick this month. I had been trying to figure out how I fit into this world. I watched this movie, Post Grad, and was just what I needed. And it made me think.  My life is where? With who? “I realized that what you do with your life is really just one half of the equation. The other half, the more important half, is who you’re with when you’re doing it.”

I missed my mother’s 40^th birthday.  

May

We got to do the May calendar in my classroom. It’s a calendar where each day is a different day to celebrate. I love it!

School ended and my first class was officially done with. L And I made sure to jot down all the mistakes I had made so I wouldn’t make them all over again.

June

I was becoming anxious about getting married (in a good way). I just wanted it to happen. My dress was finally done being sized and everything was pretty much ready to go thanks to my sisters and mother.

A friend that was supposed to be my bridesmaid in my wedding didn’t get her dress. She told me 3 weeks before the wedding and there wasn’t much I could do to help her unless I rearranged everything for her.  My decision to not do so ended up in our friendship diminishing.

July

I married my best friend with my two sisters at my side. We had a blast and our family and friends did too. We went on a fun and relaxing honeymoon to Eureka Springs, Arkansas.

We had to spend as much time between two families as possible after our honeymoon and that was pretty difficult. And the fact that I was taking Jarrett away from his family felt like a cardinal sin!

August

I got to bring Jarrett to the place that I had been living for the past year  and have him see what I could only explain in so many words. We then started our first day of school.

Getting used to living with someone is not always the easiest of things, but the majority of the time, we don’t have issues. It is when we do have issues that we have trouble.

September

School was in full swing and I still felt good about my 2^nd year of teaching.

Our field trip got cancelled and my class could not go and see the Christopher Columbus museum.

October

Art and Miquette got married and Jarrett took the pictures of the ceremony. It was beautiful!

Two of my friends in Haiti  (Anne and Beth) finally got to meet Jarrett, but they were also leaving Haiti. They are now doing great things elsewhere, however they will still be missed.

November

This Thanksgiving was Jarrett and I's first Thanksgiving as a married couple. We had no idea what was in store for us when we agreed to go on a trip to Port Salut. Twenty teachers and friends gathered together and decided to take a 7 hour trip to stay for a few days and celebrate Thanksgiving. We planned a great meal: turkey, ham, green bean casserole, stuffing, potatoes, and dessert.

We started Creole class after school from 5-7pm each night. It has been the most helpful way to learn the language, but also it is exhausting and caused my teaching to slack a bit which was frustrating.

December

Spent New Year’s Eve with friends in Milwaukee. It was my first time there and Jarrett and I had a blast with each other and our friends. We partied and had a good time. We went to bars and got to watch the Packers game and had great company and food. 

I never saw snow…the one thing I was most hoping to see when we came back to America.

And the year begins

This  is my first year in Haiti with Jarrett. I am so excited and yet, I miss my family. It says that when you marry, you are to leave your family and cleave to her husband. Mark 10:7 I still long for my families presence. Is that wrong? What am I to do in order to make that situation better? Just try and focus on Christ's mission for us. To love on our students and those around us. Not to make our apartment like all those in America, but to make it simply our place of rest. And God has truly provided that!!

Xanga lovers, I have made a decision. I am going to put my true, totally naked truth feelings on here for my dearest friends and on J and I's new blog on jarrettandtiff.tumblr.com   that will be the feelings in which I feel everyone can read that are still true, but not as open.

My lovely girls, I have missed you!!

The Recap of 2010

Let’s recap this year the best way I know how…rereading my journal. I will recapture each month in two colors. One will be a positive and one will be a negative of each month.

January

This month, I had realized that I was actually getting married. I was recently engaged in December 2010 on the 14^th and then I started planning everything all at once…my wedding isn’t until July 9^th, 2011. I have never been one of those girls that dreamed of her wedding day as a child. I was trying to make decisions but the real decision came to be that I was indecisive about everything except that I wanted to marry Jarrett.

My best guy friend (excluding my fiancé) decided to tell me that he has liked me for a while. And by like, I don’t mean that we enjoyed one another’s company, I mean he wanted to take my fiancé’s place. We talked about the whole situation and tried to work it out.

February

Meg Shanahan and I realized once again just how much alike we are. We are seriously one like brain and made from the same cloth. We discussed so many things and created a list of potential happiness. It was joyful and wonderful to spend so much time in the comfort of my home as friends.

My list of potential happiness did not go very far with Jarrett and I felt that our newly found love would end. It was the first time I really questioned our relationship.

March

This month on the 6^th marked the two year anniversary of Jarrett and I being together. He had made me this paper bag scrapbook and symphony tickets for that very night. I may or may not have slept towards the end, but it was a wonderful day nun the less.

I started student teaching (a positive) however, I began to feel like I was not cut out for being a teacher. At least not the first week. I felt I could do it, however that week it was a whole new story. Let's just say day in and day out...I felt like a failure!

April

I was feeling much better about student teaching. I felt as though all the 4 years that I had been in school were worth it and that I could actually have my own class one day and fall in love with them.

I realized that I almost finished with my four years of college. One would think that would be exciting, but for some reason, I realized just how much I did not do what I wanted throughout college. I did not go on trips with friends or even Jarrett. I was just a good student. How boring, right?

May

I graduated. This is something I have been so excited for since my freshman year of college. I was pumped. It was one of those mind blowing experiences that you could not actually believe was happening. Hardest part…leaving my roommate, Margaret.

Though I graduated, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I had no teaching position and no feeling of real accomplishment. I was wondering how Jarrett and I were going to work and support ourselves as a married couple and what he was going to do after he graduated.

June

This month, I was at camp and realized quite a lot of things about my life. One thing in particular was a quote that made me question my whole life. “If you are a Christian, how much do you have to hate someone to not tell them the gospel if you truly believe they could go to Hell for what you believe?” I tried to make that my new mission statement. I did have a list of things to do and I accomplished all of them except for one.

I was becoming rather distressed with not having a teaching job right after I graduated. I had no friends in Mascoutah and I didn’t keep that great of contact with people from high school.  I wanted to make new friends. This post explains it all http://geekindisguise06.xanga.com/728162424/so-much-to-do-so-little-time/.

July

I noticed that my life was not truly at peace with God. I was super busy and not really taking him into factor. I started having breakfast with God dates. I would literally grab breakfast from the dining hall and eat at the lake. It was romantic, peaceful, and joyful. I love it! I became conscious of the fact that sleeping in the presence of the Lord is glorious and something I wish I could do daily.

I still had no job for teaching. After 4 years of going to school for the same thing...I got nothing.

August

I FINALLY got a job. It was not in Illinois, not in America, actually…it was in Haiti. Katie Marusic, a friend of mine, from camp taught there the year before and is working there now. I was so excited to leave the country and have a new experience.

Though I was excited to leave the country, I was extremely homesick. I missed my fiancé, my girlfriends, and my family. It was hard to go to a new country with no one I knew very well. I tried to make the best of it all. I tried new things and made new friends.  

September

This month I learned that my ability to feel certain ways is a reflection of the condition of my heart. Andy Stanley taught me that.

I feel like nothing really negative happened this month.

October

I learned that in our lives we need to have guardrails. Definition: a standard of behavior that becomes a master of conscience. I learned that in order to properly function in all relationships, there must be boundaries and guardrails to make the relationships grow in the best ways.

The differences between teaching in Haiti and teaching in the United States is very different and not always what I felt prepared for as an education major.

November

This month is one of my favorite months because of Thanksgiving. Right after Thanksgiving comes the holiday of Christmas.  They are both focused on family and togetherness. I spent my Turkey day surrounded by people that are precious to me, and it was definitely a day of thankfulness....sadly, none of those people were my immediate family. These people have become my church family and I love them.  I realized I wouldn't be doing a few things at home: baking my famous apple pie, decorating the Christmas tree the day on Friday, nor eating a large and slaved over meal with my family and my fiance's family. It is my first Thanksgiving in Haiti and away from my family; however, I still made my apple pie. It is actually my first time make a pumpkin pie and pumpkin bars that are currently coming out of the oven now. Being with friends was a great way to spend Thanksgiving for sure. Haiti. Turkey. Pie. Mashed potatoes. Friends. It was a good night!

It was election time in Haiti and everything was unpredictable in our lives. Whether the grocery store was open, if we would have school, who we would see, etc. It was very entertaining to watch from behind our walls, but none the less it was rough to see the Haitian people in such torment and unrest over this brutally corrupt government.

December

I was so excited to go home for Christmas and then I got what Douglas Copeland calls Dimanchophobia.  I liked being home, however I do miss Haiti. I bought my wedding dress and finalized a lot of wedding plans. J I am NOW finally excited about getting married. It is much more real. The year and a half long engagement…I do not suggest. It’s a drag.

DIMANCHOPHOBIA Fear of Sundays, a condition that reflects fear of unstructured time. Also known as acalendrical anxiety. Not to be confused with didominicaphobia or kyriakephobia, fear of the Lord’s Day. This means that I particularly dislike the period between Christmas and New Year’s, when days of the week lose their significance and time blurs into a perpetual Sunday. Another way of expressing dimanchophobia might be “life in a world without calendars.” A popular expression of this condition can be found in the pop song “Every Day Is Like  A Sunday,” by Morrissey, in which he describes walking on a beach after nuclear war, when every day of the week now feels like Sunday.”

As far as New Year's resolutions are concerned, I am still searching for it.

Tropical Storm...

So, yesterday there was a tropical storm. It was really strong and quite scary. I had a slight glimpse into the life of motherhood as I was looking after 7 children in my classroom, crying and frightened for everyone. I tried to remain calm and just rub their backs to try and make it through the storm. It was rough, though. We prayed about it on my classroom floor and I tried to get them distracted with games. It worked out pretty well.

After watching that storm and hearing that some people had probably died because of its unusual pattern and heaviness, I started to think those random thoughts that are mainly brought about when you are scared or something bad has happened. Francis Chan also brought along these thoughts. I thought to myself, am I making disciples out of these children? I am filled with so many things in my life: my possessions, my work, my family, my fiancé, and my friends. I have yet to empty myself and make room for God. THIS is why I am fasting. I want to desire God above all things, especially food. More than I want anything, I want God FIRST. Not just when it is convenient, but first all the time.

If I know I am supposed to make disciples, why I am not doing it? Jesus says, “Follow me and I will make you fishers of men.” The Last words of Jesus, “Go out into the world and make disciples.” So what am I saved to do? Make disciples. I have been sitting in church services for years and years and years and who have I made disciples? I don’t want to tell people about the wrath of God.  I’m scared of it.  Everyone who is a believer should be making disciples right now and not just gathering amongst people who have the same beliefs as them. Its not enough to pray about it. Its not enough to study about it. Its not enough. We are called to do it!

I must seek the kingdom first. Why? Because God said so. I seek God, but do I always seek Him first? Am I always looking for new people to make disciples? Or am I looking for what my heart desires…to teach future disciples?

I thank God I work at a Christian school!

Currently Let the Truth Be Told By Laura Izibor If Tonight Is My Last see related

So much to do, so little time

This summer has been interesting.  Oddly enough, I still feel like I am going back to school in the fall (keep in mind I have graduated).  I decided that since I am not working and I am waiting for my camp time to start, I should blog about the post graduate life.

Keep in mind (I have no job—though I am trying--and thus not much has happened!)

I have no friends in Mascoutah and don’t really keep in touch with people from high school.  I want to make new friends, but as I am leaving for camp on the 11^th of June, it doesn’t exactly seem probable or realistic.  My fiancé is the only one I can really hang out with and that was only because of his birthday.  I feel like my life here is so boring…so, well, military. I feel like my life has a schedule, but it is on my terms. I wake up every day, work out, eat, watch tv, and try and help my family in some way or another.  Lately, I have been hanging out with my mom a lot because she is on vacation. :] It is nice to just chill with her and talk about all sorts of things; our primary topic of conversation seems to be Jarrett and our relationship (I will get to that later).

I have been realizing that relationships are an odd thing.  There are definitely more than just a few sides. For example, friendships are supposed to be supportive and lifelong, right? Well, if that is true, why can’t I keep my friends? Why is it that friends are more of a convenience than a relationship?  It just seems that in college, being friends with people was easy and now that I have to start all over again, it makes it harder.  My friends (especially my girlfriends) are scattered all over this state and others.  Its’ frustrating! I want to just be able to go next door and have girl time because a man should never be the primary thing in your life, but I can’t. 

Now, romantic relationships are supposed to be dependent upon one another to a certain degree. You cannot, however, let that significant other be the only other outside of family in your life.  Being home, that is 10 times harder. Not only do I have no fiancé here, but I also have no friends.  Not saying anything bad about my family. I love them; I just need more community.  Now I know why Greenville College pushes that so much. It truly is important! As for my relationship with Jarrett, there are issues (not enough QT, no real conversation, planned structure). Yes, we work through them, but it is hard! Also, since when did a man think that it is okay to not have the urge to protect and provide security? Since when is it okay to let the woman always take care of business? Since when?

Okay, I think that is enough of a rant! Now for my goals for the summer:

·         Find a job I love

·         Make my will complete

·         Get further on my list of 100 things to do before I die

·         Pass the APT

·         Find a group of friends after camp

·         Be a great camp counselor

·         Keep in touch with my girls from GC

·         Send my roomie a birthday gift—even though she totally hates her birthday

·         Get my air conditioning fixed in my car

·         Find my purpose with the poor (I am feeling really called to do mission work, but where?)

·         And just love!